You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
