4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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