I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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