ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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