I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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