im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's shark week go big or go home
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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