her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
