Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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