You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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