Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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