and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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