apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
