So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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