his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
