I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
