the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
