He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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