Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
