Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
