I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you guys were way drunker than both of me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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