you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize