Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
