What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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