i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
