JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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