I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if only i could text you this smell
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
