Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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