I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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