I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
