Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Randomize
