How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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