I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
