So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
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My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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