broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
How did I end up in the pool?!
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Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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