I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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