That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
