I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
