my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
