I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
someone owes me an orgasm
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
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Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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