my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
