I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
