I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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