she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
