hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
