He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
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Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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