Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
