Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
