Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
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Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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