I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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