i wish my penis had a tongue
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
