at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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