1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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