nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
