I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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